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March 21st, 2008

11:47 pm - hard day. took ipecac tonight. it wasn't the first time. and after the first time i told myself that i would never use it again - and i did. i feel disgusted with myself. i normally just purge everything on my own, but it was too much food to do on my own. i feel weak and out of control. hopefully never again. spring break starts tomorrow. i should be excited - but all i can think about is what i am going to do with food for a week around 15 other people. i dont want people to comment if i restrict. i want to be able to purge without worrying about people hearing me. ....a suppose it is a life of secrecy. Current Mood: sick

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March 19th, 2008

09:36 pm - A Journey Begun ~ I have spent the past 4 or 5 hours sitting in my room alone. I can hear my roommates walking throughout the apartment opening and closing the fridge or front door, but there is something that keeps me from leaving my room. There is such security in sitting behind a locked door alone, but at the same time it comes with a price. On the other hand, I have done well today with food. Coffee, grapes, starbursts (can't give those up!), and two pieces of candy. I am starting to freak out though because Spring Break starts on Saturday and I am going to be at the beach for a week with 12 other people. What am I going to do when they all sit down for a meal and I don't? I do not want to have to answer questions and I don't want to eat and then have to purge. Hopefully it will all be okay. Current Mood: blah

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